


All the Kicks and All the Blows

by Sohotthateveryonedied



Category: Batgirl (Comics), Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics), Detective Comics (Comics), Heroes in Crisis (DCU Comics), Nightwing (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Based on a Tumblr Post, Depression, Dick Grayson is a safety net, Gen, Heroes in Crisis (DCU) Fix-It, Hurt/Comfort, I literally made a post and turned it into a fic a couple days later whoopsie, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Jason Todd Has Issues, Mental Health Issues, Past Character Death, Recovery, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, Tim Drake Has Issues, Trauma, everybody has issues, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-25
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:40:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22408837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sohotthateveryonedied/pseuds/Sohotthateveryonedied
Summary: How the Batkids' therapy sessions in Heroes in Crisisshouldhave gone.
Comments: 24
Kudos: 270





	1. Nightwing

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "Superheroes" by The Script which is actually a pretty great soundtrack for the Batfam? Listen to that song and tell me it's not true.

“I’m Dick Grayson. Nightwing. Though you might know me better as the first Robin, the second Batman, or the last Flying Grayson. I go by all of them these days.    
  
“So, my friends like to joke that I’m a safety net. I’m pretty sure it was originally just supposed to be a play on the circus boy thing, but they talk about how I’m really good at catching people. Metaphorically, I mean. And it’s true. Everyone can come to me with whatever problems they have and most of the time I’ll know how to make everything better, even if it’s just for a little while. And I’m  _ glad  _ I’m able to do that for the people I care about. Really, I am.    
  
“But...what about me? What do  _ I  _ do when things get bad? When I was younger I’d just go to Bruce, but he has the emotional capacity of a smoked salmon. And my siblings are supposed to see me as this responsible, mature hero who can overcome any obstacle; not the other way around. I could always go to my friends, but what about their problems? What about their lives? Donna has been checking in less and less often lately, Garth is who-knows-where, Roy’s dead, and Wally’s…Wally’s…   
  
“...Fuck. Sorry, just...give me a sec. Don’t tell anyone I cried in here, okay? They’ll never let me live it down.    
  
“...   
  
“This life is hard. It weighs you down—every failure, every death, every bad guy you’re not good enough to stop, it all presses down on you until you swear there’s a literal anvil sitting on your shoulders. But you keep going anyway. Because you have to. Because as much as you just want to fall to your knees and give up, you know it won’t only be  _ yourself _ you fail by doing so.    
  
“Everyone who looks up to you will see the weakness, and it’ll make them doubt themselves too. Because that’s what happens when you’re known for being the one guy in the universe who can keep smiling no matter how terrible things get. Once that smile is gone, everything around you dies with it.    
  
“But that weight? It stays there. It stays and it pushes down on you harder and harder until it feels like you can’t even  _ breathe, _ and...and I’m the safety net. That’s my job. I’m supposed to catch people when they stumble. But sometimes...I just want someone to catch me too.    
  
“Is that selfish?”    



	2. Batgirl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barbara's session.

“Do you ever look back at your life and think…’what the hell am I doing here?’ Not literally, because you’re a robot therapist. You don't ponder your place in the universe, because you were built to already know it. But you know what I mean.   
  
“When I first became Batgirl, it was...it was _fun._ I liked it. Probably more than I should have. There’s just something about swinging around a dark city and putting your all into saving the people in it that makes you believe anything is possible if you try hard enough.   
  
“Then the Joker shot me, and things were rough for a while. Though I guess 'rough' is a pretty huge understatement. The happiest part of my life...the one that included saving lives and carving my own place in the world...it was stolen from me. All because I was collateral damage in a scheme that didn’t even really involve me in the first place. 

“I won’t lie, the first few months weren’t pretty. I was frustrated, and depressed, and  _ angry... _ and I didn’t know what to do about it. I’d suffered this horrible event, and yeah I'm grateful I survived, but at the time I was angry about that part too. I _resented_ myself for living and being left to take the cost of someone else's actions. The first couple days all I wanted to do was lie down and die, because what was left for me? The best part of my life was gone, and there was no getting it back. I was powerless.    
  
“And it took a _ lot _ of time, but eventually I did work through it. I adapted, and I found a way to keep helping people as Oracle. I knew that things would never be the same again, but...somehow I became okay with that. I accepted that change is a part of life, and the only thing you can do is try and roll with the punches.    
  
“Except now I’m back to being Batgirl—something I never let myself imagine  _ ever  _ being possible—and I find myself just...waiting. I’m waiting to see what’s going to try and hurt me next.    
  
“And whenever I get into that headspace, I always end up wondering...did I deserve it? Because the more I think about it, the more sure I am that I  _ didn’t.  _ Not any of it. I didn’t deserve to be hurt, but it happened to me anyway. It...happens. And I’m getting tired.”


	3. Red Hood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jason's session.

“I still can’t believe I’m allowed in here. I get it, don’t get me wrong. Everyone needs help sometimes, even the bad guys. But...well, come _on._ This is a place for heroes. And I don’t know what I am now, but you can ask anyone else here and they’ll tell you that your friendly neighborhood Red Hood is anything _but_ heroic.   
  
“I used to be. When I was Robin, I was a pretty damn good hero, if I do say so myself. But then I got killed, and suddenly I wasn’t a hero anymore. I was a martyr. The dead Robin, killed in action. Then some universal force brought me back, and for a good amount of time I was a brain-dead zombie. Then I became a monster, and then a criminal, and now...I don’t know exactly _what_ I am. Whatever it is, I’m pretty sure it’s not a hero.  
  
“But I’m not here to talk about my moral tug-of-war, because let’s face it. That’s a little too sappy, even for me. So instead, let’s get therapeutic about the default, shall we? I was dead. Now I’m not. Abrakadabra.  
  
“And yeah, I’d say I joke about it a lot. ‘Been dead, done that.’ ‘You look like a flaky corpse, and this is coming from a literal zombie. Invest in some goddamn _moisturizer,_ Karen.’ Shit like that. And it doesn’t bother me. Really. I’m over it.  
  
“If Roy were here, he’d go all psychoanalysis on me, like the pest he is. Say that I joke to repress the pain inside, or that it’s all an act to try and distract myself from my trauma by treating it like it’s not there. Joke’s on him though, because pretty soon _he’s_ going to be the one cracking jokes, and I plan to rub it in his face when he does.  
  
“Not that— I mean, I know he’s gone. I know that. I just...never mind. I don’t know what I’m saying.  
  
“It _doesn’t_ bother me. My death. Not anymore.  
  
“But like...what now, you know? What the hell am I supposed to do with all this? I was given another chance at _life._ And I know that happens to people a lot lately in this crazy world we live and die in, but not everyone gets to come back. And I can’t help but feel like I’m screwing it all up.  
  
“For whatever reason, the universe thought _I_ was good enough to give another shot, and I’m...I’m blowing it. Why should someone like _me_ get to live again, when...I’m not so sure I deserve to be alive?”


	4. Orphan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cass' session.

“...   
  
“...   
  
“... **  
** **  
** “Sorry. I don’t really…talk a lot.    
  
“But I used to be more quiet before. When I was bad. And since then, I’ve found…a family. Friends.    
  
“...One friend. But...she killed him.    
  
“What if I also…go bad again? Will they hurt me too?”


	5. Red Robin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim's session.

“I’m Red Robin. And I want it on record that I am _not_ depressed, okay? Whatever Batman told you before I came in here is a wild exaggeration. I’m perfectly fine. He's been on my back for months, trying to talk me into getting therapy after...well, pretty much everything I’ve been through in the past year.   
  
“But I’m better now, and I did it all on my own. I didn't _need_ therapy to fix me. I didn't need to be anybody's patient. The only reason I’m even here today is to humor Bruce in his mission to make us all more mentally stable. Kind of a tall order, if you ask me.   
  
“...I read about what happened here. In the leaguers’ reports, it said that the buildup of Wally’s trauma and loss was what made him...you know. And I can’t stop thinking about that. _Trauma_ of all things was what made him snap. It made him kill...so many people. Including one of his best friends.   
  
“And I know it’s not the same. What Wally’s been through is _way_ worse than spending some time in solitary confinement and being mind-controlled for a day. So I have no right to be making comparisons here.   
  
“And yet, I can’t help but wonder...what about me? What’s going to happen when _I_ snap? I keep trying to move forward and force myself to forget about all the crap that’s happened to me, but I know one day it’s going to catch up with me whether I want it to or not.   
  
“And when it does...what’s going to happen? Who’s going to get hurt?   
  
“...I already know the answer. _Everyone_ is going to get hurt. Whether by my hand or not, everyone I love is going to be taken from me someday, and...is it bad that I’m terrified of what I’ll be capable of once that happens? The person you’re supposed to know better than anyone in the world is yourself, but...that’s not really true for me.   
  
“I’ve already _been_ the bad version of myself. And I know you could justify it as having been mind-control, but...it wasn’t. Not really. Sure, Brother Eye messed me up a little, but it was _my_ trauma that made me do the things I did. I _killed_ people. I took actual lives from people who used to be in this world. I carried a gun, and...I used it. I killed four cops and two civilians that day. Their deaths are on me.   
  
“And at the time, I—the _real_ me, the one sitting here today...I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew who I was and why I was doing it, and the pain I felt in that moment made it all seem okay. So I didn't even flinch when I pulled the trigger. Not once. Because it...it felt right. And the longer I was that way, the less I wanted to stop. Because for the first time since the day I woke up in Oz's cell, I was...content. And it was the last time too.

"What does that say about me? Especially when, deep down, I know it wasn't mind-control. It wasn't Ulysses' manipulation. It wasn't even the coercion of my future self. It was _me._ It was me doing those things, and...I didn't _care._ I couldn't have cared less. 

“...

"Bruce can't know I said any of this. I'll have to hack in tonight and erase the recording." 


	6. Spoiler

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steph's session.

“Hi. I’m the Spoiler. Bet you have no idea who that is, right? It’s okay, most people don’t. I’m surprised I was even allowed to come here. I know the Sanctuary is supposed to be a place for superheroes to visit when they need help, but I’ll be honest. I didn’t think I qualified.   
  
“So...have you ever had a really good dream? I know you haven’t because you’re an A.I., but just roll with it for a minute, okay? So, this dream. It’s better than the usual ones where you’re, like, eating ice cream with unicorns or being chased by a giant teddy bear.   
  
“I’m talking about the kind of dream where...where it’s so incredible you never want to wake up. And deep down, you _know_ it’s too good to be true. You know it’s all just a figment of your imagination and that eventually you’ll _have_ to wake up and rejoin the real world, but...in that moment? You’re happier than you’ve been in what feels like forever.   
  
“Except when morning comes and you do wake up, you don’t forget about this dream like all the others. You keep it with you. You lock it away in a little box and carry it around in your pocket, just so you can have it. Just so you can keep it close as a reminder that even if it was temporary, there was once a time when you felt _truly_ happy.   
  
“I...had another life. And nobody seems to remember it even happened aside from a select few. I saw some of it, and Tim told me the rest.   
  
“In that world, I wasn’t just the Spoiler. I was a Robin. I was a _Batgirl,_ and a good one at that. I also...had a baby. But do you want to know the craziest part about all of it, everything I saw? In that universe, people knew who I _was._ Can you believe it? Me, Stephanie Brown, daughter of a D-list villain who used to tell me that I was going to die a nobody...I was someone _special._  
  
“I wasn’t just some chick in purple. I wasn’t just Tim Drake’s what’s-her-name girlfriend. In that universe, I _counted._ I didn’t fade into the background.

“And it’s all I think about now. I can’t focus on homework or training or dumb cartoons anymore because I can’t stop wondering...am I in the wrong place? Most people here have never heard of the Spoiler, and the ones who _do_ know me couldn’t care less.   
  
“But...in that other universe? I was important. I was a bat, through and through, and it felt _good._ It felt _right._ But...now I'm awake.   
  
“How am I supposed to be happy here, when all I want is to be somewhere else?” 


	7. Robin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Damian's session.

“I don’t need this. This whole  _ operation _ is stupid, and I can't believe my father signed off on it. You want to know why everyone got slaughtered the last time this place was open? Because heroes shouldn’t  _ need  _ to be treated like this. Our job is to go into battle and be willing to die there, and anyone too cowardly to handle that shouldn’t have become a hero in the first place.    
  
“I have been to Hell and back.  _ Literally.  _ But do you hear me crying about it? Of course not. No, I came back better than ever, and I  _ stayed  _ that way. I didn’t wallow in self-pity like everyone else seems to be doing around here.    
  
“You want to psychoanalyze us? You want to poke and prod at my family like we’re test subjects? Grayson feels inadequate, Gordon struggles to regain control over her own life, Todd inherited Father's inability to let things go, Cain is haunted by her past, Drake has been depressed from the minute he was _ born,  _ and Brown is a nobody. There. I did that in ten seconds, yet the Justice League wasted  _ thousands _ of dollars building this place to...to  _ coddle  _ us into complacency.    
  
“It’s wasteful. It's foolish, and I am above coddling. I haven’t needed to...to _cry_ over my trauma, and I am  _ perfectly _ fine.    
  
“...   
  
“...

“...Father did. He cried over it. My first night back after the resurrection, I couldn’t sleep, so I went down and watched the security videos from the Batcave. I’d...never seen him cry before that. I didn’t know he  _ could  _ cry.    
  
“He brought me back to life. My father loved me enough to risk  _ everything  _ resurrecting me, and I haven’t told him, but I’m grateful for that. Death...isn’t like it is in children’s stories. There aren’t any harps or clouds; there's no eternity of happiness. Not if you’re like me. Not if you’ve done the things I’ve done.    
  
“Todd got off lucky. He doesn’t remember being dead, but I do. I can’t forget it.    
  
“...What do you do when you know your soul is already too corroded to be healed? That soon enough, you’ll get what’s coming to you, regardless of how hard you try now to be better than the person you used to be? How do you go on living after that?

"I have spent _years_ trying to erase my bad deeds, only to be cursed with the knowledge that it doesn't matter whether I do better now or not. There is too much blood on my hands to be washed away, even if I spend the rest of my life trying to make up for the bloodshed. There is no fixing someone like me.  
  
“I’ve been told before that the R in Robin  stands for ‘redemption,’ but…now I know the truth.

"It stands for 'rotten.'"

**Author's Note:**

> If you leave a comment, the next time you eat a hearty bowl of Lucky Charms a leprechaun will appear before you and give you a quarter. You can buy like, 25% of an item from the dollar store with that.
> 
> [Feel free to mosey on down to my Tumblr!](http://sohotthateveryonedied.tumblr.com/)


End file.
